The Miskovsky files
by Jupiter 13
Summary: A bunch of unrelated one-shots with different pairings, inspired by songs from the awesome Lisa Miskovsky. SLASH! S/J, YY/Y, B/R, M/M, H/O maybe more…


The Miskovsky files

**Summary: A bunch of unrelated one-shots inspired by songs from the awesome Lisa Miskovsky with different pairings. SLASH! S/J, YY/Y, B/R, M/M, H/O maybe more… **

**Disclaimer: Don't own characters or lyrics… so there! **

**Warnings: SLASH and angst, mainly**

_And I tear it apart and I burn it all down 'cuz I have to  
God gave me permission to do what it takes to find you__, _

_All the friends I betrayed, all the enemies made in the process  
We've all done the same, we're just carrying different crosses  
I'm feeling no pain, baby - It's acceptable losses – __**Acceptable Losses, Lisa Miskovsky**_

It feels strange, walking the streets of Domino again, doesn't it? At least that's what you think, as you make your way down the main street, past the Courthouse and a bunch of small stores you've seen countless of times, but never really paid any attention to. Only a few people pass you on the street, and the last stores are finally closing up, but what did you really expect? It's time for to go home, for _everyone_. Go home… to eat dinner, watch TV and eventually fall asleep rolled up in their warm beds, deep in sleep with their loved ones close by: in the next room, or maybe even in the same bed.

_Lucky bastards. _

Now now, this is not the time to grow bitter. Jealousy is an unbecoming thing, you know that… and why would _you_ be jealous of _them_, anyway? It's always been the other way around! You truly have taken a long fall… Shame on you!

It's cold… the sun really hasn't provided that much warmth, even though it's been a clear day. That's a small, yet unmistakable sign that winter is coming, but you barely feel it through your thick coat and warm boots, do you? Maybe you wouldn't feel it either way? They always _did_ tell you how cold you are… Take your clothes off! Let's test that theory! If you really are an ice cube on the inside, you won't feel anything, right?

_Don't be ridiculous._

Ah, of course. You are far too proud, far too sensible for such stupid ideas, aren't you? Strange how your mind works… It's a never-ending cycle of illogic and pain. But I digress. You've had this discussion already, haven't you? I'd hate to bore you.

So… Domino City. It's changed, and you notice. It's darker, somehow, and not only because it's getting late. That, combined with the cold, gives it an almost… _inhospitable_ feel to it. But maybe it hasn't changed at all. Maybe it's just you. After all: you never really _saw_ the city, did you? You always studied it from afar, from behind the dark glass of you limo, or through the window of your office. And you're almost ashamed. The years and everything that happened have humbled you. Made you see yourself in a completely new light. Now you realize how much of a snob you were. It's a wonder he put up with you…

And now that you think about it, it's pretty ironic. All the evil things you did, the way you acted… and then _He_ left because of such a small, insignificant thing as-

_Not yet. _

Ah, okay… I understand. Let's stay in the dark for a little longer. Your time to bleed will come.

You're passing the Domino Park now. You know better than to walk through it during the night. It can be a dangerous place, but so are all parks in cities like Domino. You just hope _He_ knows this as well as you do.

On the street opposite the park stands the KC building, and if that isn't a complete memory-cookie, then you don't know what is. But you'd rather watch the newly awakened stars, just above the skyscraper. It's less emotional… not to mention less nostalgic…

…

…Maybe you should call him now. Don't you think you've reawakened your memories enough? Just get it over with.

…_yes._

And then you're punching a number on that goddamned cell-phone, and bringing it to your ear and listening to that monotone '_beep_' and hoping against hope that he won't answer…

"Jou here."

_Damn._

"It's me…"

"…Hi."

For some reason, you're disappointed that he's not happy to hear from you. He was always happy to hear from you! And you were always happy to hear that he was happy to hear from you! And it apparently works the other way around, because hearing him so sad makes you sad. You never wanted that. But then again, there were a lot of things you didn't want, but it happened anyway. That's just how it works for the almighty Seto Kaiba, isn't it?

"I'm in Domino."

"I figured as much… and I managed to get a hold of that address. Took some time and persuasion, but it worked. I can't promise that he's there though."

"I know… and I'm grateful for what little you can do. Thank you."

You were never like this before, the two of you. There's no concealed affection in the teasing now. There's no teasing, period. He's not even yelling, and you're not even smirking. You're acting like two strangers, talking to each other for the first time.

"Don't mention it."

It's ridiculous! You've seen him naked, for god's sake! You know all of his secrets, seen his eyes completely unguarded. You've touched every single part of his body. You've made him laugh and cry and scream and moan. You've been _inside_ of him, in every way one can be inside another person… but all you manage to say is-

"Stay safe then…"

-and all he can answer, despite all the things he's made you _feel_, is-

"Yeah… ditto."

-and it's tearing you apart!

Unable to take much more, you quickly memorize the address as he reads it out loud for you, and then make a move to break the contact, when suddenly-

"Seto!" And you're pressing the phone to your ear again, heart beating wildly and fingers shaking even though all he did was call your name. And your mind, your traitorous, foolish, _illogic_ mind is begging him to say something that will make it all better. That will make _Him_ accept it and that will bring the two of you back together. You _know_ that no words can accomplish that, but as stated before; your mind is illogic.

"Look… the… the first clue was the car, right? They found his car." You don't say anything, but he knows you understand. He always did. "Thing is… they found it by the bridge. You know… the Old East Bridge where… where there's been some…"

And you understand. You see headlines flash before your eyes, headlines about pained, angsty teenagers, too cowardly to face life. And in your head you hear rumours from your school days, whispered among your peers as if it was yesterday… you even hear that one heated line someone yelled down the hall to someone else once, a memory you didn't know you had.

"_Why don't you throw yourself off Old East Bridge!"_

"I just thought you should know. You always wanted to have all the facts… so you could take all possibilities into account… I'm not hinting at anything or so! I don't think he'd… he's better than that! I just… you'd want to be prepared, right? You always wanted to be prepared…"

And you can't help but love him, and miss him, and ache for him with everything that you are. Because had it been anyone else, you'd be furious that he was even _thinking _of it, but Jou _knows_ you, and he is only trying to help… in the only way he know how to, and even though he's been hurting just as much as you- _probably even more_- he's still trying to help you, and can even speak a few nice words about _Him_, even though _He's_ the one who tore you apart…

_No! __**I**__ tore us apart… it was my choice…_

You bat the thought away and realize you haven't said anything for a full minute, and Jou is repeating you name anxiously.

You almost consider staying quiet, just to hear him say your name again, but he's starting to panic now, and you don't want that.

"I know, Jou," you say at last, and realize this is the first time you've said his name out loud in a long, long time. "Thank you," you choke out at the end.

And then you snap the phone shut before he can answer, and raise your eyes to look at the stars again. When did the sky become so dark?

Sometimes, you almost hate _Him_. It makes you feel so very ashamed of yourself, but you're only human, and it's so easy to blame _Him_ in your weakest moments. And this is one of those. And at the same time as you imagine Jou (_Is his hair still golden? Has he become taller? Does he look older? Is his body still so beautiful? Does his laugh sound the same? Can he still smile that way? Would he smile at me if we saw each other? Has he moved on? Is there someone new? Would he ever give me a second chance? Could I still make him howl if I wanted too? Could he make __**me**__ howl if he wanted to? Is this really worth it?_) you let a small part of yourself hate and despise _Him_. Very soon, you will give that part a slow and very painful death, and keep on looking as if nothing happened, but for this moment, this small, insignificant moment, you let yourself be human.

"_It's gonna be okay, you just wait and see, Seto! He'll be ecstatic for us! Everything will be just fine."_

"_It's just a shock to him! It's no big deal! Please, baby, don't sigh like that! He'll come back, and he'll apologize, and get used to it, and then everything will be just fine! Seto! Look at me… He loves you. He'll accept it. Everything will be okay."_

"_So this is it, then? We're just giving up? Just like that? Why am I even asking- I already know the answer! I'll go pack my stuff…"_

"_Don't… don't blame yourself, Seto. It's okay… honestly. I'd do the same for Shizuka. I understand… you just be careful, okay? Goodbye." _

And then you're pulling yourself together (_and blinking rapidly a few times to win back control over your eyes, which have apparently made a pact with your heart and memories, because they are hell-bent on making your vision swim_) and walking off down the street again, heading for the address the love of your life just gave you.

* * *

It's not a bad area, but not the best either. I guess one could call it a middle-class place, and the address is to one of the many apartments in the large house before you. The apartment is small, but clean, with a small kitchen, a living room/bedroom and a toilet. You're somewhat relieved. It could have been a lot worse.

In you come by using the fire stairs and smashing the window. You don't really think _He_ will mind. He'll have other things to worry about once he sees you. _If _here is where he is. You've chased him so far, followed so many trails, come to so many dead ends that it's a wonder you haven't give up yet. But something inside you feels different this time. A hidden, poetic part of you thinks it would be very fitting for the chase to end here… where it all really began.

He sure takes his time. You make yourself comfortable on the couch and wait. Your thoughts keep you awake, as they so often have (_one of the things Jou liked to complain about. He often claimed that you only fell asleep after a good bout of sex, and you never bothered to argue_). And it isn't until the first light of morning that your ears detect the sound of a key in a lock and a door sliding open.

A sudden, unexplainable, terrible fear grips you, and you almost want to throw yourself out the window again and run, run, RUN! Maybe to Jou, and forget _He_ even existed, and bury yourself in those loving arms and never let go, never remember. You don't know if you're ready for this. You don't know anything anymore.

But then he steps into the room and spots you, and you know it's too late and you don't even want to run anymore. In fact, you even condemn the thought, ashamed that it ever hit you.

Heis staring, wide-eyed and terrified, and he is so beautiful you just want to take him in your arms and hold him like you did when he was a child. His hair, although a bit shorter, is still as black, still as thick, and his eyes are the same dark shade (_so much like your father's_). His face looks older, but it's _Him_, because you would recognize him anywhere.

"_Seto?!_"

So this is it. The end of the road, and the beginning of the rest of your life. You want to laugh in euphoria and cry in despair, because now you have everything and nothing and this is your reason to be alive.

Because the truth of the matter is that only _one_ person in the entire _world_ could make you let go of Jou, and that is your brother. And you know this, and Jou knew this, and that is why you two will never, ever be together, no matter how much you love and ache and long and want.

"Hello, Mokuba."

Completely oblivious to the storm of emotions and wants inside you, your brother (_YOUR BROTHER!_) takes a step back and puts a hand to his chest, as if to still his racing heart.

"What are you doing here? I thought you were a burglar or psychopath or something! How did you get in? What are you doing here?" He rushes out in one breath, onyx eyes fixed on sapphires.

You simply stare at him. The questions are stupid, and both you and he know it. After a long silence, he takes a deep, shaky breath, rakes a hand through his hair and looks away.

"Um… would you… would you like some coffee or something?"

Not quite what you expected, but it will do. He's surprised, you can get that, and nothing he says can be wrong, because he's Mokuba, and you hold him higher than anything, even that goddamned company (_even Jou_) and if he wants to make you some coffee, then you'll happily drink it. Besides, it's a hell of a lot better than what he said when you talked to him last time.

"_Are you serious?"_

"_Is this some kind of sick joke? It's not funny, Jou! How the hell did you get Seto to agree to this?! Stop it, it's disturbing!"_

"_I'm sorry, Seto… I can't take this… I just can't. It's too weird! It's not normal! Please just… just leave me alone! I have to go! I… goodbye."_

You don't know why he reacted the way he did. You _know_ he loved you, (_you hope he still does_) and you actually believed Jou when he said it would be okay to tell him. It was _Mokuba_, for goodness sake! You brother, who only wanted you to be happy! If anyone would support you, it was him!

But it just didn't work out that way. Until this day, you don't know how such a small, insignificant thing as Jou's _gender_ could be such a big deal. Your brother only wanted you to find love, right? But apparently not, because two days after your "coming out" to him, he packed a bag and left. No notes. No clues as to where he'd gone. Only that awkward and cold goodbye.

Maybe Gozaburo had had a bigger affect on him than you thought. Maybe that sadistic madman's ideals had been burnt into Mokuba's subconscious. It was the only excuse you could come up with. It didn't really matter, anyway. Mokuba was gone, and you had to find him. Had to win him back. And to do that, Jou had to go.

So whose fault was it really? Who ripped you apart…? Him…? Or you?

You quickly shake those thoughts away. That's not what you want to think about now! Not when it's been _three years_ since you last saw your brother! Not when you know you have to get him back, no matter what. Not when this might be your only chance: Mokuba is nineteen now (_god, it feels so weird!_) and if he tells you he never wants to see you again, there is little you can do. You're not his guardian anymore.

But you'll do anything to be his brother and friend again.

"So…" he says ten minutes later, when you're sitting at the table with a cup in front of you. He's sitting opposite you with an identical cup.

He doesn't say anything more, obviously wanting you to speak, so you do.

"How have you been?" You ask quietly, the first words you utter in his presence since the greeting. Your voice seems to make him jump a little, before a pained look fills his eyes. Maybe he's missed you a little after all.

"Fine," he answers, and his voice is shaking. "I… I brought money when I… when I left, and they got me pretty far. When they ran out I started working on different places, and it's been going pretty well. I'm working at a burger joint right now. It's a decent place- I've got great workmates… we have fun."

For the first time you notice the red-and-white-striped shirt he's wearing (_obviously part of the uniform at his job_), and at the same time as you're happy to hear that Mokuba at least hasn't been starving, you mourn the fact that your brother has ended up the way he has. He, who is so brilliant, never got to complete his education.

_And it's my fault entirely. If it wasn't for me, he would never have left. _

"What… what about you, br… Seto? What have you done?"

_I've been chasing you. I've been spending a fortune on research and private investigators and clues.__ I've left my company hanging completely, just because of you. I've travelled to every city in Japan, as well as America and Europe, hoping to find you. I've spent every single night lying awake, thinking of all the things that could happen to you. And if I wasn't thinking about that, I was thinking about how cold the bed was, of all the times I made love to Jou, how he looked, how he felt, how much I missed him. I've broken the heart of the only person I can imagine spending the rest of my life with. I've condemned myself to a loveless existence I never wanted to go back to. All because of you. _

Mokuba doesn't want to hear that. You know he doesn't. He wasn't really asking that at all. No, what he was asking…

"I'm not seeing Jou anymore," you state, and by the look in his eyes, you know it was the right thing to say. "It just wasn't working out. You were right: it was weird and didn't feel natural. It was actually a relief when it ended. We were only fooling ourselves."

Once, when you were a kid at the orphanage, the matron told you you'd probably be able to trick your own mother with that face and those eyes. You don't know about mother, but when you look into you brother's eyes, you can see he's falling for the lie. You weren't one of the best businessmen in the world for nothing. You know how to _deceive_.

"Really?" He asks, and looks almost hopeful. The small part which is angry at him for it is quickly crushed beneath your brotherly love.

"We went our separate ways as… acquaintances…" you say, not wanting to use the word 'friends'. 'Friends' mean you'll see each other again, and you know you can't do that.

"Oh, that's a relief," Mokuba says. "That you're okay with it, I mean…"

You don't say anything.

"So everything's back to normal?" He asks.

"No," you say and his face falls. "It can't be normal until you come back home and take up school again. Three years is a long time to be away."

For a moment he just stares at you, stunned. Then both of your cups rattle as he stands up and almost throws himself at you, hugging you as close as he can. And for the first time in so long, you smile, and wrap your arms around him, and suddenly he's twelve again, clinging to you as if you're the rock in his life, and it's okay: you always wanted to be his rock.

"I've missed you, big brother…" He's sobbing, and you stroke his hair, like you always did when he was sad. It's strange how easy it is to fall back into old habits.

This, you decide, it what life is about. This is your reason to be alive. This is why you've spent three years in pain.

You're a good actor. Good enough to fool even yourself. You can make yourself believe it doesn't hurt anymore. You can make yourself believe the hole in your heart has been filled. You can pretend you've won this war, even though you know you couldn't have won, no matter what you chose to do. No one will notice, not Mokuba, not the press, no one at Kaiba Corp. Only one person will know… will see your pain.

But that's okay; he won't tell anyone. You know him.

**The full version of "Acceptable Losses" can be found here: **

**http://wwwDOTyoutubeDOTcom/watch?v=MWc661yHM3k**

**Please R&R!!! **


End file.
